‘Road House’ Review: Jake’s Take is Worthy Enough [SXSW 2024]
bone crunching action and an entertaining third act are what really saved the roadhouse.
Never has a film been more tailor made of Gen X than this remake of the Patrick Swayze classic. The humor, the music, the moments and most importantly the definition of what is “cool” can all be traced back to the mid-90’s when baggy pants ruled and Metallica’s Black Album made armies of slam dancers rage against the machine. In Road House, when it worked, it worked, but when it didn’t you were left to suffer the consequences of a weak script and the least charismatic character that one of the most charismatic actors has ever attempted to make work.
The film begins at a snail’s pace. After a fun cold opening, literally nothing happens until about 20 minutes into the second act. Fun moments are scattered about in the first two acts but it gives you about the same feeling as finding a Tater Tot in your fries: a fun surprise but ultimately you start to question why you didn’t just order the Tots in the first place. What keeps you from truly feeling the luls are the moments when Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dalton gets to kick a little ass and oh my, were those asses kicked thoroughly. The romantic plot of this film was fine at most. The two characters were both competing for the most aloof person in the whole of Florida to the point where it was hard to believe that they had any romantic interest in each other until they just make out because why not. The much needed adrenaline shot to the butt cheek arrives with the introduction of Conor McGregor’s Knox and his butt cheeks. Knox is chaos incarnate and acts as the chaotic evil villain compared to the lawful evil of Billy Magnussen’s Brandt. For the record, any use of the word “act” attached to McGregor is used extremely loosely. But Knox’s unpredictability shepherds the plot to the land of entertaining where it chews grass like McGregor chews scenery, albeit poorly. The third act is like putting your phone in a blender, it most definitely doesn’t work anymore but the loud noises and sparks are so much fun to watch. When everything settles and no more asses need a kickin’, it just kind of ends. Dalton is let off the proverbial hook and everything is just cool now, except not. There are so many unresolved issues for the Roadhouse, note the lack of the use of name Double Duce which will be addressed, but the plot has ended so those issues are no longer issues as far as the film is concerned. There are surprisingly few issues with the logic of the plot aside for the aforementioned ending. This is surprising because the writing in the film did not do any aspect of the film any favors.
What kind of characters is Jake Gyllenhaal known for? Charismatic, deeply layered, a pinch of psychosis… Dalton is a tabula rasa for 80% of this film, that is, a blank slate. The best way to describe it would be “too cool for school”. It takes most of the movie for him to show an emotion other than smug, which isn’t even an emotion. However, when the third act rolls around, Dalton does a complete 180. He is charismatic, deep, and way more than a pinch of psychotic. Gyllenhaal is obviously great with what he has to work with but when the work suffers, he suffers. Billy Magnussen is a great comedic actor. He plays smarmy asshole with the greats such as Christopher McDonald, John Malkovich and Gary Cole. The issue it is hard to believe that his character has survived being a dick to so many professional bad guys for so long without any of them breaking his little neck. He is also failed by his motivation as a villain when his plan is revealed to ultimately be a real estate plan scam which is the Raisin Bran of villain plans. Daniela Melchior plays Dalton’s love interest Ellie who is cool, sarcastic, aloof and tough. The problem is that Dalton is cool, sarcastic, aloof and tough. There is no contrast to the characters, with both characters trying so hard to “not care” it comes as a surprise when they both just decide that now is kissing time. Again the problem is not Melchior, it is how Ellie is written. The other female lead is Frankie played by Jessica Williams, the owner of the titular Road House. The best writing was reserved for Jessica. Frankie is the driest of all the characters which is noteworthy considering all the characters are dry. Her comedic timing saves so many scenes in the film that when she is not on screen for more than 5 minutes you notice. Now to address the forcibly smiling, bad delivering, welterweight elephant in the room. Conor McGregor is not an actor, it is obvious he is not an actor, painfully obvious. However, he is an amazing stunt fighter. The term stunt fighter is used specifically because walking is considered a stunt and he doesn’t even do that well. But for all his faults, his character and he himself is extremely entertaining. The character is so chaotic and unpredictable that anytime he is on screen you are captivated. And when he fights, he is as believable as a man who has 28 professional cage matches would be. Outside of the main cast there are some okay performances; Post Malone is in the film for all of 3 minutes and it is fine, Lucas Gauge and Dominique Columbus could have switched character midway through the film and no one would have noticed, and JD Pardo has the best, most unexpected scene in the entire film and shines. But the real hero here is Arturo Castro’s Moe who steals every single scene he is in. He got more laughs in the film than Conor McGregor’s butt cheeks which is quite the accomplishment.
The highlight of the production is obviously and deservingly the fight scenes. So much thought was put into the choreography, camera movement, and blocking that you wonder why the entire film isn’t just a two hour fight scene and to the nay-sayers out there who question if that would work take a look at the 2 hour chase scene that is Mad Max: Fury Road. What fails the film is the writing, literally every aspect of the film suffers because of this. Every character is a carbon copy of the other. The dialog need some serious punching up which is ironic because the movie is literally about punching. The plot is so simple that is was extremely hard to have plot holes but the challenge was accepted and exceeded. Even the name of the Road House was changed from the Double Duce to Roadhouse for a joke that is so bad that you almost feel like it deserves to have a boat launched into it. It is amazing that the film isn’t any worse but that can be attributed to absolutely every other aspect not associated with the script.
Is Road House entertaining? Yes. Is it a good film? Eh… But does a film have to be good to be entertaining? The Fast and the Furious franchise has 10 whole movies to say about that. For all of its faults, Road House is most definitely worth a watch because it is a fascinating case study of how a film can teeder between mediocre and embarrassing for so long then shift to complete success by embracing the mantra: loud is good. The good news is that if you have Amazon Prime, you have already paid to see it whether you do or not. The bad news is that if you have Amazon Prime, you have already paid to see it. Come for the fights, stay for Conor McGregor’s butt cheeks… if, you know, you are into that sort of thing.